If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
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Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole