i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.