The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
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Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
What the hell happened in there??
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?