I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
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I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Who.
Did.
This?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
He’s cranky this morning
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…