If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.