I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”