And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Friday
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
This squirrel eats better than I do
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious