Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
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I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
don’t be scared
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant