BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
You Might Also Like
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.