What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Here’s a meme
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.