Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out