Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Good dog. ❤️
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven