No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
You Might Also Like
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Baking is just science you can eat.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment