The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
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My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.