Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.