“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
ouch
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.