*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.