I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.