The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
cause of death:
autopsy.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
courtroom exchange of the day
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too