[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
You Might Also Like
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.