You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said