Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
me after drinking all the wine:
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead