Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
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How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.