Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I have obtained a hat
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS