ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
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My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
wish me luck lads
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
How do dragons blow out candles?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something