On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
You Might Also Like
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
dogs can find happiness so easily
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo