this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.