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My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.