Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.