My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
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her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Happy Febuary everyone!
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…