How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class