I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
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If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Is….Is this an option?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?