Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
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[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.