I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
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If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.