Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]