WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
necessity is the mother of invention