I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Always
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My love language is deader than Latin
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Don’t tell me what to do
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?