Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
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My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.