[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
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Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.