Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this