She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
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My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The only equipped I am is ill.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —