Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
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I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”