ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
No regrets in 2018
I laughed at this way too hard.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
when you don’t want to be too vague
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war