“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Coffee is ready.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change