BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
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Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
The struggle is real.