Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.