Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
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escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.