If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
You Might Also Like
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
WTF IS THAT!
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…