My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Boating season is upon us.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.