[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Cake safety first. Always.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
My dad.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.